Sunday, May 30, 2010

Buried in a Blue Suit

An old lady is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying.

One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit but he'd see what he could arrange.

The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful,wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?".

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the undertaker through her tears....

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."

Weird Funeral News from Ohio

Former morgue attendant Kenneth Douglas - - who worked in an Ohio funeral home from 1976 to 1992 - - faces charges for sexually abusing corpses.

The 55-year-old man was convicted in 2008 of having sex with a body awaiting autopsy. In 2009, he was charged with assaulting the bodies of two other women's bodies at the Hamilton County morgue in 1991.

The more recent charges are based on DNA evidence. Prosecutor Joe Deters told the Associated Press the case is "just beyond belief."

"I'm sure there are more," he said. "I'm certain of it, but we'll never be able to prove it."

Friday, May 21, 2010

Funny Saying on Headstone

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent...
Until I know which way you went.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Witty Headstone Quotes

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Near Death by Taxi

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today Is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Woman Found Living with Three Dead Siblings

An elderly woman has been living with two skeletons and a badly decomposed body of her siblings in a suburb of Chicago, one of whom may have died at least 20 years ago, authorities said on Saturday.

The remains were found covered by sheets in various parts of the house in Evanston on Friday but no foul play was suspected.

Authorities said one of the siblings was last seen alive in the 1980s, the second in 2003 and the third in May.

The woman living in the house, described as "upwards of 90 years of age," was cooperating in the investigation and was taken to a facility for care.

Authorities, who did not release the names of the deceased, said a care worker had alerted them to the situation. Autopsies were due to be performed on Saturday.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dead Man Wakes in Morgue

Doctors who were about to do a post-mortem on a man they thought had died in a stampede that killed 150 people were astonished when he woke up and started talking.

Mange Ram lost consciousness in the stampede triggered by rumours of a landslide that caused panic among thousands of pilgrims climbing a steep mountain path.

The 19-year-old told the Times of India newspaper he awoke in a hospital morgue after Sunday's tragedy at the Naina Devi shrine in the northern state of Himachal Pradesh.

He said: "When I woke up, I was in the middle of a row of bodies waiting for post-mortem.

"My throat was parched and I asked for water. Towering over me the doctors and nursing staff at Anandpur Sahib Civil Hospital looked dazed.

"They must have been surprised to see a dead man come alive like that!"

Sat Pal Aggarwal, a doctor on the pilgrimage, said few checks were carried out to see if victims were alive and might have been saved.

"People were dumped quite haphazardly into trucks without following any procedure or checking if they were alive," he said to the paper.

The pilgrims continued their journey just a couple of hours after the corpses were cleared.

The temple, devoted to the goddess Naina Devi, sits on a hilltop in the Himalayas and devotees must climb a narrow stairway to reach it. It has been the site of previous deadly accidents.

Three years ago, 257 Hindu devotees, mainly women and children, were crushed to death in a stampede at a religious pilgrimage in western India.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Weird Funeral News from Florida

Seth McCarty, 18, and Joel Rivera, 19, were charged with desecration of a grave after allegedly stealing a skull from a tomb at Florida's Spring Hill Cemetery.

Police say the teens denied vandalizing the tomb, but eventually admitted to the act, leading them to a friend's house, where it was found in a bucket of bleach.